mooeee's Xanga

Monday, November 09, 2009

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 18:18:19 GMT

Stolen from my girl Janine Cabanilla. And yes Janine, I read your tumblr occasionally since someone stopped writing in xanga. Anyways, she had this quote in one of her entries:

Take a chance because you never know how absolutely perfect something could turn out to be.

I needed that. So thank you. I'm giving it a shot and seeing where it goes from there. You never know until you give it a shot. I guess I'm willing to open up again. Consider yourself lucky, cause I know I am.

Sincerely,

Eric Gerona Carnaje

PS. On a slight tangent, I don't know why I'm writing about this kind of stuff. I never used to. I never really liked it. Actually, I lie. I've always liked it, but there's something about it that makes me feel different and maybe even slightly awkward. Is that normal? Haha. It's crazy what these kinds of emotions can do to you. I miss them. And it's crazy how someone can make you feel all those kinds of emotions again. Don't worry though, you'll hear from the "darker" (pun intended) Eric soon enough. As of right now, I'm happy. And thanks to my Uncle Gene, my Grandpa Mario, and my dogs Summer, Chubs, and Jedi. You'll always look after me. =]

Friday, November 06, 2009

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 19:47:41 GMT

This is probably my fifth spoken word piece that I've written. But this is the first one that's going public through the internet. I haven't performed this one yet and it's still not polished, seeing that I wrote it last night at 2am before I went to bed. But here it goes:

Untitled-November 6, 2009

Someone tell me what to feel.
Tell me if what I'm feeling is real.
Because you got me:
hook, line, and sinker
and all you need to do is reel me into your arms
slowly but surely,
because I fell for the bait and man,
out of all the fish in the sea
there's something there,
between you and me
i see it, i feel it, the connection, it's fate

I know this may sound weird,
a little strange,
a tad pathetic,
a bit corny and quirky,
but ponder this thought
before i jump rivers and leap oceans
to get where you are
so that our feet can wade in the same puddle together:
I'll be your frog.
But my question for you is: will you be my lily?
I mean,
besides needing you to be my support,
keeping my mind out the gutter
and my heart afloat,
I want you to be my lily,
my L.I.L.Y.
Because being from Long Beach,
a beautiful city in Southern California,
we know one word a bit too well
and if I wanted to put into words what i feel
then "dude",
will you be my lily,
my L.I.L.Y,
because
Like I Like You,
a lot
I think you're fly.

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 09:35:51 GMT

I'm scared to let myself go. I'm afraid to give (in). But I want to.

Baby steps.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 15:36:58 GMT

A letter to myself.

It takes time to realize exactly what has happened in your life. And although it's only been less than a week, I feel better. I apologize for such an extremely profane and negative blog posted earlier on this site. Certain situations get the best of us when we're at stages in our lives that make us vulnerable, susceptible to change, and malleable to peer pressure.

If it makes you feel better, I'm better now. A lot better. And it's because of the people I surround myself with. They inspire me to make the best of every situation and they keep me moving forward even when sometimes I think there is no forward. I wanted to put my life on pause for a while, or perhaps even rewind it as to fix my mistakes, and even fast forwarding through all the emotional and mental hard times would have been a great option as well. However, I have to live my life one day at a time, one step first, one breath at a time, one memory before the next. I'm okay with leaving it on play for awhile.

I can get through this, I know I can. I may have lost my optimism for a bit, but it just needed to be found and reaffirmed. It's back. And I'm back. I'm ready to get going, but at my own pace this time.

Take it easy. Live it slowly. And enjoy it completely.

What else do you want to know? =]

Sincerely,

Eric Gerona Carnaje

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 07:12:05 GMT

Today was probably the definition of everybody's favorite phrase: "bitter sweet". Lucky for me, I've been given the opportunity to experience this first hand. I can absolutely and completely say that I hate myself right now. And I guess you can say that I'm extremely blessed to have my life the way it is as well. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful, I'm grateful, and I consider myself so lucky, but at the same time, I feel like I've entered this tunnel of some downward twisted dark spiral. As things seem to get better, I keep getting pulled back down. And so now you know.

Preface: Please understand that this isn't how I usually am, but I am at a very vulnerable and unstable part of my life right now and the inappropriate language will definitely show up. Not so much physically, but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, I'm done and I can't do it.

I hate you and you and you. I fucking hate my life right now.

It has gotten to the point where I no longer want to believe that everything happens for a reason. I have been suffering so much that each day my strength, my love, and my faith keeps fading faster and faster. I don't care what happens to me right now. I don't give a damn. And then again, I do. I care.

I'm giving up. And there's nobody here to lift me back up. You're on your own. I keep thinking about it more and more. But I know that that isn't the answer. It just makes things worse. But it's always an option.

Someone today told me that now I can be invincible. I don't want to be invincible. I want to be invisible. I want to hide away from this fucked up reality and figure out some mother fucking way to make sense of all this shit that has been happening.

I flipped the coin and it's not necessarily in my favor.

Fuck the world. And fuck you too, Eric Gerona Carnaje.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 08:06:13 GMT

I'm scared and I'm not going to pretend like it doesn't bother me. I just want you to be okay. Please.

<3 alwayss,

Eric Gerona Carnaje

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 19:14:36 GMT

I was just watching "Are you Smarter than a 5th Grader" and as "entertaining" as it may sound, it's just stupid. I guess after taking a Sociology Class and an Education Class you start to realize things. Things that don't make sense, things that aren't even realistic, and things that aren't accurate or meaningful. Who's to say what a 5th grader knows or should know? Students live in different states and different states have different state standards they set for their schools. Schools teach different curriculum that sometimes meet the standards, but may fall a bit below or even above it. I know when I was a 5th grader, I didn't learn the stuff they learned on that television show. Who's to say what's smart and how do you define someone who is smart? You can work hard and not be "smart" and vice versa. I guess I'm just a little upset or maybe I'm just trying to understand something I don't quite find entertaining. Hmm... Just something to think on.

I got home early from Biology lab today. And I hope Phil doesn't mind me playing his ukulele while he's gone. Thanks roomie.

Sincerely,

Eric Gerona Carnaje

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Sun, 11 Oct 2009 07:08:14 GMT

Next time, ask for permission first. Shit.

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Wed, 07 Oct 2009 06:57:54 GMT

A night out with the Berkeley friends:

HOT SEAT QUESTION: How far have you gone? 1st, 2nd, 3rd, or 4th?

What are the bases again?

Our interpretation:

1st- SEX
2nd- HELLA sex
3rd- BABIES
4th- CHILD SUPPORT

HAHAHAHA. They totally make me night.

No fear, no shame, all love.

Monday, October 05, 2009

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 06:05:37 GMT

1) I don't break pinky promises.

and

2) Here comes the sun.

=]