| | I'm finally blogging on xanga again. I didn't abandon it and I don't think I will, at least for the mean time. Therefore, just because I don't write in it as much as I did before, doesn't mean I won't be around anymore. After I got back home from PASS banquet, I felt good. I was happy, content, glad to have met the amazing people that I can proudly call my family. However, we all know that there's really no such thing as a happy ending. And that's when my stomach took a turn in the opposite direction and my heart stopped beating and my head began hurting.
That feeling of disappointment seems to hurt me more than I realize. I pretend to act strong and let it do its damage, whatever that may be, but in reality, I'm not as bandaged up as I thought I was. Here we go again. Another topic of failed expectations and unsuccessful trials to improve myself and become something more. I know I write about it often and I usually say the same thing, but this hurtful feel seriously never gets old. It's like the pain of a fresh new wound. It will always hurts the same, time after time, nothing will change. But why the heck is that? Wouldn't you think you've developed some sort of immunity to this feeling, some kind of anti-depressant that does exactly what its name entails. When disappointment and failure hit me, it really hits me hard. I'm angry and I'm not afraid to admit that I feel like crying right now. I feel like hating the world around me, like breaking windows and doors, yelling at people just because I can. I thought I could deal with this, but I am wrong.
Damnit. I know everything happens for a reason and I still am and will always be a firm believer. And so it gets me thinking, is this really what I deserve right now? I suppose so. I've always strived to be perfect, to be the stronger person, to be the one that can handle everything. I've always had those standards that I've set for myself and I've always been able to reach it. However, this semester, something different happened. I started falling, falling downwards, and I'm still in this downward slump seriosuly trying to get myself out of it. I want to fly again. Succeed. Win. Be affirmed. But with the way things are going, it's hard to get back to that point of happiness, that feeling of well-deserved bliss. I need to get on top of my game. I need to be more prepared. I need to find that passion in me again. I need to. Because if I don't, who knows where I'll be heading next.
I know for a fact, that just being able to reflect on these feelings will make me stronger, will be able to guide me in the right direction. The thing is, I'm so angry, so upset, so annoyed at people, things, and especially myself, that I refuse to see all the good that will come out of this. I don't feel this way often, but when I do, I don't know what to do with myself. Am I really that much of a failure that all the work, the hours, the love, the hate, the sweat, and the drama are for nothing?
I need a pick me up.
<3 sincerely,
Eric Gerona Carnaje
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| | Posted 5/6/2009 11:38 PM - 18 Views - 2 eProps - 1 Comment
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