I missed my flight going home. It was scheduled as an 11:35am flight from SFO on Saturday, December 19, 2009. I arrived in SFO about 11:05am and seeing that it was my first time flying in this airport, I panicked. I should have known better than to leave at 9:30 in the morning and expect everything to work out. I took off my jacket. I ran. I hauled ass. I was pretty much a nervous wreck. They booked me for the next and last flight of the day leaving at 6:55pm. I can’t say that I wasn’t upset at the moment, but I’ve cooled down since then. On the bright side, I get to ride home with Phil, I get to watch Enchanted, Kung Fu Panda, and Across the Universe all in one sitting, I get my desired alone time to relax, think, and reflect, and I get to treat myself on whatever I want in order to make me feel better. At least I wasn’t charged and at least I’m safe. It’s ironic though. To think that I was so ready to get out of Berkeley after finals and finally see the comforts of a familiar territory and then I’m struck down by the hands of time, a slap in the face if you will. And I thought the stress and anxiety was over when I submitted a completely filled out blue book for my political science final. I’ve come to a realization that Berkeley will miss me. But I’ll be back before you know it.
It just goes to show that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes, we live our lives in the fast lane. We move from place to place, from person to person, from task to task and we don’t consider the consequences we put ourselves through. Our mind, body, and soul need a break too, you know. Don’t rush things. Take it slow. I always got to keep reminding myself that. The fast lane is for the adventurous, for the risk-takers, for the ones that take a minute for granted and pass up an opportunity of beauty and self-reflection. I don’t want to be in this lane any longer. I’m signaling to switch from the left lane. I’m making the right choice.
My best friend just sent a text that said, "get a good night's sleep. Good luck on the rest of your finals/studies!"
Man, I really needed that. As simple as that was, it meant a lot, especially with all the stress that has been going on as of late.
And it's almost two o'clock in the morning. I have to wake up by eight in order to volunteer at the middle school. However, for some reason, I feel drawn to the computer more than ever. Maybe it's because I haven't been near one for practically the whole day or maybe it's because I really like this self-reflecting time that I miss so much. Whatever the case is, I need more of this "me" time. I expect to get a lot of it during this Winter Break. I better.
My last final is on Friday. I've been starting to study hardcore for it. Please, don't bite me in the ass. It's time to get some rest and some sleep. Tomorrow is another day of volunteering, another day of studying, but at least I get to hang out with Mark.
And supposedly it's going to rain? I like the rain every now and then. Sometimes it bothers me, but other times, it's really relaxing. Umbrella plus the rain plus walking down Telegraph plus not being by yourself while doing that had to of been one of my favorite moments.
Goodnight.
My feet are on the ground, my head is in the books, and my heart is in your hands.
I want to give up and fucking cry. But I won't because I know I'm better than that. No matter what the obstacle is, I know for a fact that I can make it to the end. I pride myself in knowing that things will be okay, that everything happens for a reason, that I will be the last one standing, that my life is not really a "fuck my life" kind of situation. As much as I want to say this is it, this is the end, it's not. I got to keep pushing until Friday, but I don't know how I'm going to keep up the motivation and the drive. After today, I'm exhausted. I'm seriously really burnt out, more burnt out than I've ever felt in a long time. But God damnit, my name is Eric Gerona Carnaje for a reason, and whatever brings me down will inevitably make me stronger.
I will fuck you Political Science.
I can do this. You can too. We all can. Being disheartened just makes you want it that much more. Prove it. Prove it to yourself most of all.
I miss feeling that inspiration. I miss that overwhelming emotion that takes over you. I wish I had it now during finals. But there's still something pulling me through it all. Eric, you've never given up. Please, don't do it now.
For some reason, Jack Johnson's song "Better Together" is getting to me right now. Maybe it's because of the gloomy weather outside my window and the harsh reality of finals coming up in a mere four days that gets my mind thinking about us.
On a slightly different note, I'm trying to understand how my grades are so bad this semester. I really tried my hardest to keep them up and focus on them from getting any worse than C potential. Am I slipping up, messing up? Am I doing something wrong? I swear, I spend nights screaming my lungs out with curse words of "fuck this" or "fuck my life" or "what the fuck" or "c'mon you got this" or "alright, let's get this done". It's not like I'm spending my time wasting it away in my room or on other random stuff in my life. This semester was supposed to be different. And I guess in a way, it is. But it's not what I expected. Sometimes I'm scared with where my life is going to go. But then again, why base my future life on just grades? Sure, I've always been the over achiever, the one who sets unbelievable expectations for himself, but getting a C every here and there isn't that bad right? Maybe that's not the problem. I just don't know right now. I'm trying not to give up hope. I won't. But I need to do well on these finals. I don't want to disappoint. I don't want to fail again. I just can't take it.
Back to studying, Eric. Dear God, please help me get through this one. You've been there for me this far, please don't give up on me either.
