I'm finally blogging on xanga again. I didn't abandon it and I don't think I will, at least for the mean time. Therefore, just because I don't write in it as much as I did before, doesn't mean I won't be around anymore. After I got back home from PASS banquet, I felt good. I was happy, content, glad to have met the amazing people that I can proudly call my family. However, we all know that there's really no such thing as a happy ending. And that's when my stomach took a turn in the opposite direction and my heart stopped beating and my head began hurting.
That feeling of disappointment seems to hurt me more than I realize. I pretend to act strong and let it do its damage, whatever that may be, but in reality, I'm not as bandaged up as I thought I was. Here we go again. Another topic of failed expectations and unsuccessful trials to improve myself and become something more. I know I write about it often and I usually say the same thing, but this hurtful feel seriously never gets old. It's like the pain of a fresh new wound. It will always hurts the same, time after time, nothing will change. But why the heck is that? Wouldn't you think you've developed some sort of immunity to this feeling, some kind of anti-depressant that does exactly what its name entails. When disappointment and failure hit me, it really hits me hard. I'm angry and I'm not afraid to admit that I feel like crying right now. I feel like hating the world around me, like breaking windows and doors, yelling at people just because I can. I thought I could deal with this, but I am wrong.
Damnit. I know everything happens for a reason and I still am and will always be a firm believer. And so it gets me thinking, is this really what I deserve right now? I suppose so. I've always strived to be perfect, to be the stronger person, to be the one that can handle everything. I've always had those standards that I've set for myself and I've always been able to reach it. However, this semester, something different happened. I started falling, falling downwards, and I'm still in this downward slump seriosuly trying to get myself out of it. I want to fly again. Succeed. Win. Be affirmed. But with the way things are going, it's hard to get back to that point of happiness, that feeling of well-deserved bliss. I need to get on top of my game. I need to be more prepared. I need to find that passion in me again. I need to. Because if I don't, who knows where I'll be heading next.
I know for a fact, that just being able to reflect on these feelings will make me stronger, will be able to guide me in the right direction. The thing is, I'm so angry, so upset, so annoyed at people, things, and especially myself, that I refuse to see all the good that will come out of this. I don't feel this way often, but when I do, I don't know what to do with myself. Am I really that much of a failure that all the work, the hours, the love, the hate, the sweat, and the drama are for nothing?
It's been eight months since I had to say goodbye the first time. What I realized now is that it's just as hard to say goodbye the second time as it is the first time. Honestly right now, my mind is at a loss. Yesterday, my family had to put my dog Chubs to sleep. As much as I don't want to write about his death, part of me feels like I need to. I'm not the type that likes to show or express these kinds of emotions in person and so writing is one of the only things I feel comfortable doing in which I can really let it all go. It's still hard for me to put into words everything that's been happening and everything that I've been feeling. My thoughts are racing and my heart is still skipping a beat because I can't help but miss my dog. I know that everything happens for a reason. I firmly believe that there a reason behind every action, behind every event, behind every emotion, feeling, thought. And I understand that he needed to go, he needed to be with our other dog Summer so that he could live a much happier life. But I couldn't help but be selfish and ask if I could just see him one last time. I didn't want him to go just yet. I wanted to be there. I wanted to see him. I wanted to let him know that I loved him. I wanted to thank him for being such an amazing dog. And at the same time, I wanted to say sorry. I wanted to apologize for leaving him at the wrong time. I wanted to say so much, but I felt powerless. I felt like destiny was against me and the world was turning away. Being in Berkeley and hearing what was happening back at home over the phone was one of the hardest things for me to deal with. If only I had that last chance...
To my dog Chubs, I love you with all my heart. You made me smile in the simplest ways and made me angry because of the most ridiculous things that you would do sometimes. I will never forget how you bit my hand because I took your little chewy snack and wanted to move it closer to you so that could eat it. After that, I was always scared of you in some way or another. I remember when I would always yell at you because you were so mean to Summer and Jedi. You would never share your food nor would you allow them to eat in peace so I would always have to stand between you guys as the mediator and yell at you to stay and eat your own food. I remember when I was little I would always want you to put your head on my lap and so you could fall asleep because you were really adorable when you were young. And then there was that time where I came back from school and we thought you ran away from us when you were just a baby, but it turned out that after looking everywhere for you, you were just sleeping in the plants in the back yard. And then I remember when you’d be so proud and act as if you were supposed to be treaty as royalty. Chubs, you have always been in my heart and you have always been a part of my family. I’m so thankful to have you share your life with us, but I sincerely want to let you know, that I love you with all my heart and I will never forget all the moments that we shared. We grew up together and whereas I am 18 and soon to be 19, you lived to be 91. Thank you for everything Chubs, thank you.
I will never forget you and the amazing things you have blessed me and my family with. I miss you, but I know you’re never far from my heart.
Today was not the best day ever, partially because of what happened in the morning, but towards the end it gradually got better. This winter break, things have been changing and I find myself opening up to a lot of new situations, unexpected experiences, and truly living life for what it is. I've always felt that everything happens for a reason and much of the time, we are lost in bewilderment as to why these things happen to us. I try to think on the positive side, but someone once told me that although you can see all the good and beauty in the world, you also get to see people at their darkest hours in order to bring them into the so-called "light". I choose to find a reason for my actions and explain to myself why it would happen to me. I have discovered that it helps me live with the consequences that occur and I'm still in a learning process of truly understanding who I am as an individual and where I'm going. There is so much that I want to get off my chest, but it's never easy allowing yourself to fully dig inside your unconscious desires and bring them into reality without fear of the repercussions.
Anyways, I'm happy with my life. Today I went to work and I saw my coworkers again, my boss(es), along with my students and their parents. I think that was the most exciting thing I've done all day and it made me truly happy. I came home with a good feeling that I have been missed and that I touched the lives of my students and even their parents. It made me miss my job as an instructor and seeing all those kids faces smiling back at me. I'm glad I'm coming back in the summer. It was nice to know that they still asked about me and whether or not I was coming back and it was reassuring when they said I was still their favorite instructor. And to top it all off, I was speechless when I met one of the new instructors there and they introduced me as "Mr. Eric. He's the one who made all the kids cry when he left". How are you supposed to feel? Good that these kids cared so much about you and you loved them back all the same? Or sad that they missed you that much and you kind of left them "hanging"? All in all, some of my students that I've grown quite attached to don't come there anymore, but it's all okay. I still love what I did and I will never, ever forget those memories that I had. Man, I'm getting too worked up about my job.
Winter break is almost over. I go back to Berkeley within a week. I miss my school, my dorm and floormates, my Berkeley friends. But at the moment, I want my Long Beach kids to come back so we can kick it just one last time, one last time and I'll be happy.
I find that it’s becoming easier to say “I love you”. It’s not that I don’t mean it when I say it, but when I do find the right person for me, I want to genuinely mean it and have it worth something. Love is a strong word and I can’t say I’ve ever actually felt this so-called heavenly bliss, but I do know it’s out there just waiting for me. So when the time comes my partner will know, I’ll make sure of it. But for the meantime, if you say it to me, I hope you know that the feeling is mutual so please don’t take it offensively if I acknowledge you in a different manner.
Don’t use the word “hate”
Like I mentioned earlier, love is a strong word. But without love, how do we know what hate really is? They are both elements necessary for this world to function. However, for me, I want to minimize the amount that I use that word. It can come off as really bitter and resentful and I don’t want to be like that. If you catch me saying it, I hope you can cut me off and say, “Do you really hate it”? I believe I don’t really hate anything. I don’t like to hate on people nor do I take pleasure in hating on their things. I may end up “yucking the yum” every now and then and probably even say that I truly dislike something with a passion, but maybe hating something is a bit extreme at the moment.
Stop using the phrase “I can’t”
I tried to initiate this resolution earlier in the years and I must say, it’s one that will always make me think. Because when you say “I can’t”, you’re already putting yourself at a disadvantage. I like to think on the positive side of things and maybe at the moment I’m not able to do it, but I know if I really wanted something and truly worked for it, I can make some change, make some difference, and get somewhere.
Exercise every weekend: this includes playing tennis, going to run by myself, pushups and sit-ups
I have always been one of the most self-conscious people growing up. For the longest time, I’ve always cared what people thought of me and how I presented myself to society. And it wasn’t until just recently, where my looks didn’t bother me so much and I felt comfortable with who I was. However, coming back home to Long Beach sort of sparked that temporarily forgotten insecure little boy that was hiding within. And now, I don’t want to look “healthy” in the sense that I “plumped” up, but I want to be fit again. Once I get over this sickness, I’m seriously going to be running at the park, doing push-ups and sit-ups, and all that jazz. I need to get in shape. Maybe the reason for this sickness of mine is to make me realize that I need to stay healthy mentally, emotionally, and physically. I’ve been lacking in the physical retention part, but I promise that I will do my best, I will.
Call/text a different friend every weekend to catch up with them
Making the first move has always been a struggle for me. I never like to instant message people first nor do I enjoy calling people on the phone. However, I’ve slowly and surely have come a long way from that person who I used to be. So much drama and so many problems have occurred because of my lack of will power to initiate things between my friends and me. I’m looking forward to changing that and I will try my hardest to keep it going. I learned the hard way that friends along with family and many other things are an individual’s source of inspiration and a foundation for their strength. I’ve taken for granted so many of my friendships in the past couple of years, that I’m not ready or willing to lose any more because of my foolish arrogance and ignorance. There are so many amazing people in my life now that it’d be hard to see them go. Why make the simple mistake of losing them when I can prevent it by saying a simple hello?
Go to church every week
Church and my religion has always been a very “touchy” subject for me. It’s one of those things where you don’t know where you stand because you’re both lost and confused or you’re still finding yourself and what these ideals mean to you. However, since going to Berkeley, my faith in the Catholic religion has in some way or another been renewed. And I have now built some sort of connection between myself and these things that I believe in. There are still complications here and there that get me worked up, but in all honesty, I like where I’m going and the direction I’m taking. Thus, for 2009, I’m really open to reestablishing a stronger faith with my church and my religious views.
Learn a new word in tagalog every week
I dislike it when people look at me differently because I can’t speak Tagalog. It hurts me to know that people will speak it in front of my face in order to hide something from me and they feel like they have to say it right there in my presence. I don’t enjoy the odd looks and their sympathies for me because I can’t speak it yet alone understand it. I was raised differently and my parents felt like they didn’t need to teach me it. And I respect their decisions and I love them for that. But because I cannot speak it or understand it does not make me any less Filipino or any less proud of who I am and where I come from. So I will be slowly learning because I want to challenge myself and learn a word or two here and there. So bring it on.
Start taking vitamins!
Growing up with asthma has made my immune system a lot stronger than most people. I know it sounds weird saying that, but I truly believe I’ve been through a lot with inhalers, asthma attacks, and tears because of loss of breath. However, growing up I never liked taking vitamins because I felt like they never helped me and there’s a possibility that they won’t help me nowadays. But if it prevents me from getting sick more often, then I’m willing to invest maybe just a little bit into this.
Don’t curse or don’t even type a curse word unless you actually need to
Many people don’t really know this or perhaps they do, but I tend to have a really bad “potty” mouth at times. At night, the inner “demon” comes out and curse words can start flying. And for me, I realized that it’s not attractive nor does it make me feel better about myself. I’m not trying to offend anybody (and I sincerely hope people don’t take any of my New Year’s resolutions including this one offensively), but I feel as if I’d be enjoying my time more using substitute words that can convey the same meaning. I know it sounds odd, but I’m really going to try and be more presentable so curse words are going bye-bye for the time being.
Stretch every morning
I find myself not able to touch the ground with my hands and it makes me sad in a way. I have never been the flexible type and it’s because of my lack of will power I have for stretching. I never liked stretching because I always found it to be a waste of time and now look at me. If only I stretched more I could have been taller, perhaps. But I really do want to touch the ground so I’m going to make sure I stretch. It’ll be good for me. And possibly when I’m able to touch the floor, yoga has always been fun to watch and I’m ready to give it a shot, I really am.
Ask for guitar lessons; every Friday, go jam with floormates
I’m not quite the music type and I never really have been. I played the violin for 11 years and that was about all I’ve ever accomplished in the world of music. But I’ve always been fascinated by musicians and their artwork. I tried to teach myself piano, picking up what I know from playing the violin and applying it the keyboard. And I even went so far to teach myself the guitar, learn the string names on my own, play a couple of chords, possibly even trying to read tabs offline. It has all been an adventure, but I really do want to learn. It has been a personal endeavor for quite some time now and I’m more determined than ever to get some help with it.
Finish writing my story; at least once a week, write something down to go into the story
Early last summer of 2008, Phil and I decided that we would try to write a story. I was blown away by the idea because I was easily excited. I do like to write and I do like to tell about the experiences and stories that I’ve heard and seen. And thus I began to write. By the time school started I had forgotten the meaning of my story and the direction I wanted to take with it. However, I want to bring that big and continuing this old story of mine especially with all the new and amazing tales I’ve heard since coming to Berkeley. This will be a challenge and it might only be for my eyes to read, but at least I can be proud and maybe slightly embarrassed when it’s all over and done with.
Read the newspaper at least once a week
I’ve always wanted to read the newspaper, but I could never bring myself to do it unless I was extremely and truly bored with whatever is going on around me. However, I do feel that in order to stay somewhat informed, reading the newspaper isn’t a bad thing. For Physics for Future Presidents we had to write a weekly summary of what we learned and what we didn’t know about an article relating to the realm of science and technology. Personally for me, I loved to do that homework assignment because I always learned something new and took away some bit of information that I found fascinating. My goal this year is to keep up with the news so at least I’m aware about not what’s only going on in my life, but how others lives are affected from the actions and consequences that we are all connected to.
No more midnight snacks
I have a very bad habit of eating whenever I want to and most of the time I don’t usually fear the consequences of eating at such late hours. However, in order to stay healthier and more fit for this year, I have to say goodbye to the midnight meals and then of course, Late Night. It will be a challenge since I’m so used to walking to my fridge to grab a bite of something quick and then migrate back to comfortable essence of my bed. However, I will work on changing that bad habit. Help me, please.
Monday January 5, 2009
I’ve been working on my New Year’s resolutions for the longest time now, five days in fact. I never put so much emphasis on it until now because I feel like there’s so much more to life that needs to be experienced and I can’t do that without growing up and changing, even just a little bit. This is not a list that goes in order on which resolution I want to emphasize more, but it’s merely a thing for me to reflect and look back upon in the years to come. I want to challenge myself and I want to challenge you as well. Think of some things you want to try, some things you want to change and some things you want to keep, and make a record of it where you can reflect upon it when the time comes. You’ll be surprised at what you find out when you do look back at the past.
This entry will go both in my xanga and on facebook. So to all those that I have tagged and even to those that I haven’t, you have affected my life in one way or the other and I’m truly thankful for that. You made me realize the bitter sweet reality of life and allowed me to persevere through any obstacles that come my way. You make me smile in all the simplest ways possible and you have made my 2008 a year to remember. And I ask that you stay with me through 2009 and hopefully even afterwards, because in all honesty, I wouldn’t or couldn’t have been the person I am today without your help.I sincerely thank you for grazing the hearts of others and blessing me with your friendship. Corny as it sounds, I mean it. Now let’s get down to business and have some more fun this year. 2009 are you ready? Are you ready? Because I don’t think you can handle what my friends and I have to offer this year. You dig?
