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| Stolen from my girl Janine Cabanilla. And yes Janine, I read your tumblr occasionally since someone stopped writing in xanga. Anyways, she had this quote in one of her entries:
Take a chance because you never know how absolutely perfect something could turn out to be.
I needed that. So thank you. I'm giving it a shot and seeing where it goes from there. You never know until you give it a shot. I guess I'm willing to open up again. Consider yourself lucky, cause I know I am.
Sincerely,
Eric Gerona Carnaje
PS. On a slight tangent, I don't know why I'm writing about this kind of stuff. I never used to. I never really liked it. Actually, I lie. I've always liked it, but there's something about it that makes me feel different and maybe even slightly awkward. Is that normal? Haha. It's crazy what these kinds of emotions can do to you. I miss them. And it's crazy how someone can make you feel all those kinds of emotions again. Don't worry though, you'll hear from the "darker" (pun intended) Eric soon enough. As of right now, I'm happy. And thanks to my Uncle Gene, my Grandpa Mario, and my dogs Summer, Chubs, and Jedi. You'll always look after me. =]
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| This is probably my fifth spoken word piece that I've written. But this is the first one that's going public through the internet. I haven't performed this one yet and it's still not polished, seeing that I wrote it last night at 2am before I went to bed. But here it goes:
Untitled-November 6, 2009
Someone tell me what to feel.
Tell me if what I'm feeling is real.
Because you got me:
hook, line, and sinker
and all you need to do is reel me into your arms
slowly but surely,
because I fell for the bait and man,
out of all the fish in the sea
there's something there,
between you and me
i see it, i feel it, the connection, it's fate
I know this may sound weird,
a little strange,
a tad pathetic,
a bit corny and quirky,
but ponder this thought
before i jump rivers and leap oceans
to get where you are
so that our feet can wade in the same puddle together:
I'll be your frog.
But my question for you is: will you be my lily?
I mean,
besides needing you to be my support,
keeping my mind out the gutter
and my heart afloat,
I want you to be my lily,
my L.I.L.Y.
Because being from Long Beach,
a beautiful city in Southern California,
we know one word a bit too well
and if I wanted to put into words what i feel
then "dude",
will you be my lily,
my L.I.L.Y,
because
Like I Like You,
a lot
I think you're fly.
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| I'm scared to let myself go. I'm afraid to give (in). But I want to.
Baby steps.
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| A letter to myself.
It takes time to realize exactly what has happened in your life. And although it's only been less than a week, I feel better. I apologize for such an extremely profane and negative blog posted earlier on this site. Certain situations get the best of us when we're at stages in our lives that make us vulnerable, susceptible to change, and malleable to peer pressure.
If it makes you feel better, I'm better now. A lot better. And it's because of the people I surround myself with. They inspire me to make the best of every situation and they keep me moving forward even when sometimes I think there is no forward. I wanted to put my life on pause for a while, or perhaps even rewind it as to fix my mistakes, and even fast forwarding through all the emotional and mental hard times would have been a great option as well. However, I have to live my life one day at a time, one step first, one breath at a time, one memory before the next. I'm okay with leaving it on play for awhile.
I can get through this, I know I can. I may have lost my optimism for a bit, but it just needed to be found and reaffirmed. It's back. And I'm back. I'm ready to get going, but at my own pace this time.
Take it easy. Live it slowly. And enjoy it completely.
What else do you want to know? =]
Sincerely,
Eric Gerona Carnaje
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| Today was probably the definition of everybody's favorite phrase: "bitter sweet". Lucky for me, I've been given the opportunity to experience this first hand. I can absolutely and completely say that I hate myself right now. And I guess you can say that I'm extremely blessed to have my life the way it is as well. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful, I'm grateful, and I consider myself so lucky, but at the same time, I feel like I've entered this tunnel of some downward twisted dark spiral. As things seem to get better, I keep getting pulled back down. And so now you know.
Preface: Please understand that this isn't how I usually am, but I am at a very vulnerable and unstable part of my life right now and the inappropriate language will definitely show up. Not so much physically, but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, I'm done and I can't do it.
I hate you and you and you. I fucking hate my life right now.
It has gotten to the point where I no longer want to believe that everything happens for a reason. I have been suffering so much that each day my strength, my love, and my faith keeps fading faster and faster. I don't care what happens to me right now. I don't give a damn. And then again, I do. I care.
I'm giving up. And there's nobody here to lift me back up. You're on your own. I keep thinking about it more and more. But I know that that isn't the answer. It just makes things worse. But it's always an option.
Someone today told me that now I can be invincible. I don't want to be invincible. I want to be invisible. I want to hide away from this fucked up reality and figure out some mother fucking way to make sense of all this shit that has been happening.
I flipped the coin and it's not necessarily in my favor.
Fuck the world. And fuck you too, Eric Gerona Carnaje.
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